Deciding what I wanted for Mother’s Day was totally stressing me out.

My inbox was chock full of advertisements selling me on what I deserved most for being a mom. My mailbox hadn’t been spared the volume either — between the glossy store flyers and magazine special features, you’d think Mother’s Day was the Superbowl of Hallmark holidays. OK, so it is.

mother's day

Kerry celebrates her first Mother’s Day by sleeping

If you believe the numbers from the National Retail Federation (NRF), Mother’s Day is the second most spendy “holiday” after our combined budget blowing on Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.

Heck, Mother’s Day is so popular with retailers that the NRF sends me an annual press release on our mommy spending habits — last year each person doled out an average of $152.52 on gifts for mom, with total spending hitting $18.6-billion.

This excited me to no end.

Knowing that my Mother’s Day budget was now set at $152.52 — my tasty piece of the $18.6-billion pie — I wanted to head to the stores to pick the perfect Mother’s Day gift for myself. But being a busy working mom with an even busier 15-month-old daughter, there was no time to hit the mall. So I had to stay home to get my gift buying done. Sigh.

Despite my online shopping limitations, I’d worked hard at being an awesome mom all year so I was gonna milk this “holiday” for all it’s worth.

After going through my various emails, flyers, and a few mom magazine special features, I discovered what I really want for Mother’s Day. I was surprised too.

1. Don’t send me Mother’s Day flowers.

Where to start? A quick browse through my inbox revealed a super pretty “Mother’s Day Gift Ideas” email from Costco. Turns out my favourite warehouse retailer wants me to have flowers on my special day. Like, a lot of flowers.

mother's day

With bouquets ranging from $49.99 to $54.99 (delivered), my budget would almost allow for all three arrangements, with just a $2.45 overage.

My problem wasn’t the overspending. My issue is that flowers only last for so long before the dang foliage falls to the floor. Who’s gonna clean up that mess? You got it — me, the mom!

So forget the flowers — I’m tired of cleaning floors and I don’t want the extra work. Next.

2. Don’t yank my chain.

The latest edition of Today’s Parent magazine boasts “78 Mother’s Day Gifts” for every mom, whether she’s a “modern day romantic, a food lover, a fashion maven…” Blah, blah, blah, the itemization of mom personality types goes on. Since I’m currently wearing a t-shirt covered in baby boogers and I’m trying to devour a plate of reheated scrambled eggs while bouncing a sick kid on my lap, I’m feeling neither romantic nor fashionable. I’m definitely not loving this reheated food either.

mother's day gift ideas

So perhaps browsing this comprehensive list will give me a few gift ideas worthy of uplifting my current disheveled state. Maybe a second set of arms, a box of tissues, and a short-order cook are listed? I could really use the help. I would also love a shower.

mother's day gifts

What caught my eye though was gift idea #57: The Swarovski Montaigne Black Necklace selling for $430CDN. At this price my budget was fully busted, yes. But have you seen this heavy piece of chained neck jewellery? Wrap it around an ankle, and along with a host of other moms, we’d form a tidy little chain gang hauling kiddlet a$$ around the house. We could form a Conga line and together wipe snotty noses, cook tasteless eggs, and comment on how fashionable we all looked wearing a $430 crystal necklace paired with our stretchy yoga pants.

Don’t get me wrong on the merits of gifting mom with jewellery. I love the sparkly stuff. I just haven’t been able to wear it since my daughter discovered her grabby hands and started pulling on my earrings, poking at my watch, and yanking on my simple gold necklace. I stopped wearing my engagement ring last year ’cause I got tired of digging baby cereal out from between the setting’s claws.

Pretty sparkly things will have to wait until my dearest daughter is older. For now I want something a little more helpful, like a mom Conga line with many extra helpful hands.

3. A kitchen gadget? Forget it!

Kitchen wares and gadgety things can be both affordable and useful. The Today’s Parent gift guide feature happily lists a plethora of widgets and trinkets perfect for your mom’s inner foodie. The most expensive item on the list is the Staub Coq Au Vin Pot selling for $344 — it seems to be a very expensive version of a Le Creuset.

mothers day

While useful and lovely, here’s the thing about getting cooking wares as a Mother’s Day gift — I don’t want to be told to cook or do chores on my special day. Moms cook enough most days, so perhaps a gift that gives mom a kitchen break is better served than a kitchen gadget? I think so. A clean(er) kitchen would be nice too.

4. I’m skipping breakfast in bed, thanks.

The only thing I want to do in bed is sleep. OK, a little hanky-panky with the hubby is a win too, but only after we “schedule” the sexy times after the kid goes to sleep and before she wakes again. Scheduling $ex is much harder than it sounds — all parents with young kids know this. Getting some decent sleep is nearly impossible too, especially after your spawn learns how to escape their crib. They should make lids for those crib things, BTW. Fun times.

5. Don’t slather me with smelly stuff.

Stores like The Body Shop and Fruits & Passion must make a killing on Mother’s Day. The speciality bundled baskets for mom sure are pretty, but am I really going to clean myself with something called the “CHOCOMANIA™ SHOWER SET?” I don’t think so.

mothers day ideas

I’d rather just have a regular daily shower without being interrupted by a crying kid or a diaper change. Saying this, I can’t remember the last day I had time to shower. All moms experience this, right?

The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift

With my Mother’s Day budget of $152.52 still firmly intact, I decided nothing in the consumer-driven marketplace could satisfy my picky mom whim. I could not be tempted by the most popular gifts of flowers, jewellery, kitchen gadgets, breakfast, and smelly things.

So what do I want most for Mother’s Day?

For starters this thing cannot be bought, sold, or bartered. It’s needed by everyone, and without it we moms, humans even, can get really grumpy. This thing won’t cost a fortune, and may just put a smile on mom’s face. Sound good? Good!

Dear Husband and Family: All I want for Mother’s Day this year is SLEEP. Sleep, glorious sleep. Sleeping in until 7AM would be a super delicious bonus. Clean floors would be pretty awesome, too.

Fathers and families of the world — I just saved you $152.52. 🙂